Never Expected This...

I have never experienced something so scary...so gripping...than what I experience last Saturday December 3rd. Many of you who know me know that my sin, my vice, my thing that I struggle with is...worry. I mainly  worry about one thing in particular....health. Health of myself, JM, my kids....I am a recovering hypochondriac...don't laugh. There is such a thing. I'm living proof. Why do I worry about health you ask.....I know where it stems from but haven't the strength to write that book right now. It's a lack of faith, it's not believing God is sovereign, that He's good regardless. 

Do you believe God loves you? Do you really believe that? I know He does. He says in His Word that He does. He definitely shows it everyday to us...dying on the cross, for sure testifies of His love for us...how bout daily things like...your home, your job, your hubby or wife, your kids, your health, your full fridge, your vacations, the fact that you can buy presents for Christmas. Do I need to go on?

 Yes God, I know you love me.....but I, Madelyn don't really believe that you do sometimes. I guess because when things like this happen...the thing that happened last Saturday...I wonder if you do...I wonder where you are. Forgive me Lord. Forgive my unbelief. Forgive me for thinking that all has to be well in our home to believe you love me! Ridiculous. My joy in life can not be only if all is well, the kids, the home, the husband. Wrong. My joy needs to be in Him, period.  He's good and loves us...regardless of our circumstances. He's good and loves us when we loose our job. He's good and loves us when we get the flu. He's good and loves us when our relationships fail. He's good and loves us when your dad gets cancer. He's good and loves us when your newborn baby gets sick. 

See, our baby Ansel was fine on Saturday morning...then he was warm and slept a lot....after taking his temperature several times that evening and watching it climb 99.8, 100.4, 100.9, 101, 101.3.....JM and I decided to take him to the ER at St. Jude Hospital. ER! My baby....to the ER. 

101.3...not a big deal for an adult or child...but when your 7 week old has a fever that high, it's not normal,  there is something wrong....or at least potentially wrong. The Dr. at St. Jude told us that they needed to be sure it wasn't a bacterial infection so they needed to run some tests. Some very invasive tests....blood work, urine test, spinal tap, chest x-ray. What!?

 JM was calm and continually pointed me to Jesus. "Madelyn, we need to  believe that God is with us, with Ansel. He can heal him if He wanted to. He is good and we need to trust Him." So hard. Our friend John came over to pray for us and Ansel and shared with me the vs in Mark 1 when Jesus went to Peter's house and found Peter's mother in law sick with a fever. Jesus touched her...only touched her...the fever left her and she got up and made Jesus and the others a meal. Lord, you can...but will you for us?

 Our baby....spinal tap, blood work, urine sample, iv with antibiotics....Lord, how much pain can he bear? Can I bear? Do it to me Lord, not Ansel. Gripping I tell you. To watch my baby in pain....crying, hurting...all I could do is hold him, talk o him, nurse him, and pray.

In the wee hours of the morning they told us that Ansel needed to be transported to CHOC (Children's Hospital of Orange County). Hospitalized?! It's really come to this? I went with him. First time in an ambulance for both of us.

3rd time our baby had an iv put into him. He needed to have antibiotics every 12 hours in the event that he did have a bacterial infection...He was so strong and brave. I wasn't. You know me and Western medicine...not the best of friends...but when they said " if there is a bacterial infection and we don't treat him now, it could be serious and he could die." Die......Do what you have to do doctor. I probably annoyed them with my gagillion questions. The Doula came out in me, only my client who I was advocating for was my 8 week old son.

Monitoring his heart rate, oxygen and who knows what else. My angel. 

It was a special time for the three of us. Ansel has never had only Mama and Papa 24/7. He's always had to share us. I think he enjoyed having us to himself. In spite  of all that was done to Ansel, he was sweet and peaceful. He really didn't fuss when we were at CHOC. In fact, he was quite content.

He looks like his Papa.

 If  you could have only seen the twin cot that JM and I slept in together. Oddly, we slept good and hard.

On Monday morning his fever broke. Oh so happy....we all were.

On Monday afternoon, JM went to see the kids at my folk's house. We really missed them and they felt the same. It was so important that he spend time with them. I'd never been away from both of them this long. Papa took them to the park and they had dinner together. I didn't leave Ansel's side. It was the right thing but oh how I wanted to see them. Jude sweetly told JM at the park " Papa, I misss you." 

I gave him a little sponge bath...not so happy about it.

The doctor came and said all tests were negative and because he was now 24 hours without a fever, we would be discharged. He was healthy. It was just a virus...a mere cold he probably picked it up from Jude. No antibiotics needed. Dr. said we could live normally, go out in public but avoid anyone who was sick. Praise!! So happy. Going home. Can't wait to be in our own home with our other 2 kiddos and be a family again. 

He's so sweet and such a little fighter. Praise you Jesus for his health.

Got home to my folks. Tears of joy!! I put Jude down for a nap shortly after we arrived. I sang to him as I often do before his nap. The sweet boy had tears streaming from his face and a quivering lip. "Ju-Ji, what's wrong?...did you miss Mama?" He nodded yes. My sweet and sensitive boy. He then said.."bye Mama". " No Ju-Ji, I'm not leaving you anymore." Break my heart.

There is so so much that I didn't write, ...I seriously could fill a journal on the matter....I am still processing this...I'm still crying over this, even last night...I'm still in shock that we went through this experience with our baby. By far the hardest thing God has taken me through. On Wednesday we slowly got back to our life...(thank God for my sister who selflessly helped me on Wednesday).  Jesus is still working on me...my fears, my anxiety, my struggle with worrying about health....He's good and I pray will break these chains of worry. He needs to be  my joy, whatever may be....sigh......to be continued...........